Mischief Maker
by thesweeper1957
Summary: Who is really pulling the strings in the S.O.S. Brigade?


**Mischief Maker**

When the Auditors gave me my assignment they said, "You are only to observe human behavior" but when my consciousness was placed into a human body I discovered something. I discovered… humor. Hee hee hee hee…

Day one

Kyon entered the clubroom; I stumbled into him and whimpered, "Kyon, help me."

He caught me and said, in a surprised way, "Nagato, is that emotion?"

"No." I said, with a blank face.

"It sure seemed like emotion."

"You are mistaken."

"I see."

We gazed into each other's eyes.

"So," he said, "you need my help?"

"Yes."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Seduce Haruhi Suzumiya."

"What?"

"To distract… them."

"Them?"

"The Auditors" I said, shuddering.

"Auditors?" he said, scratching his chin, "What are Auditors?"

"Like accountants only worse."

"Is that bad?"

"You don't know about accountants?"

"I'm only a high school student."

"Ask your parents."

"I will."

I sensed Haruhi Suzumiya approaching, grabbed Kyon by his lapels and kissed him on the lips.

"What is going on here?" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "Kyon, what are you doing? Let go of Yuki!"

Kyon whirled around and stuttered, "But, but, but, but, but, she, she, she, she, she…."

"What are you babbling about?" She grabbed his tie and dragged him over to the computer. "Get over here. We have work to do."

I walked slowly over to the window, sat in a chair, picked up a book and began to read.

_Hee hee hee hee…_

They finished whatever they were doing on the computer and Haruhi Suzumiya left the clubroom.

Kyon rotated his chair toward me, crossed his arms and said, "Nagato, what was that kiss all about?"

"It was necessary," I said, glancing up from my book, "to arouse the fires of passion in Haruhi Suzumiya."

"Did you ever consider it might arouse my fires of passion for you instead?"

"No, I hadn't thought of that."

"I see."

I resumed my reading.

"Nagato," said Kyon, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his chin, "tell me more about the Auditors."

I shuddered and said, "The Auditors audit the universe."

"The whole universe?"

"Yes."

"How do they do that?"

"I cannot explain it so you would understand."

"I thought you would say that."

We gazed into each other's eyes; he blinked first.

"So…" he said, "Nagato… you want me to seduce Haruhi to distract the Auditors, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So that I may move freely."

He frowned.

I turned my head, looked out the window and said, softly, "The fate of the world…"

He interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all that."

I gave him my attention.

"I see a big problem with your plan." he said, crossing his arms.

I stared at him.

"I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman."

I reached down into my bag, pulled out a book and handed it to him.

He took the book out of my hand, looked at the title and said, nervously, "How to seduce a woman?"

"Yes."

"Where did you get this book?"

"The library."

"They wouldn't have a book like this in the school library."

"Not the school library, "THE" library."

"And where is this library?"

"I cannot explain so you would understand."

"That sure is a convenient."

"I do not understand."

"Never mind."

_Hee hee hee hee…_

Day two

I was sitting across from Itsuki Koizumi at the table in the clubroom. He was smiling his usual smug, self-satisfied yet somewhat sheepish smile and talking in his usual way with expressive yet somewhat affected hand gestures.

"Miss. Nagato," he said, "I fail to see how provoking Kyon will help the situation, although, I am very fond of Miss. Asahina; the thought of seducing her brings about many complications. She is so sweet and pure and innocent. How would she feel if I came on to her that way? Assuming, I would be able to pull off such a thing, heh, heh. I remember Kyon's reaction when I almost kissed her during the making of the movie; such intense passion; I long to feel such passion someday. Though, Miss. Asahina does arouse something in me, to be sure, heh, heh. You say a love affair between Miss. Suzumiya and Kyon would make the world a happy place? I'm not so sure. I'm not denying they're attracted to each other, in a way, but maybe we should just let nature take its course, as they say. Now, I'm not saying I don't understand where you're coming from, because I do. But… wouldn't it just as easily provoke a love affair between Miss. Asahina and Kyon? Where would that lead? How would Miss. Suzumiya react to that? I say leave well enough alone, heh, heh. How would I even go about seducing Miss. Asahina? She does have such pretty eyes and hair and, and, and, so on… quite fetching really. I wonder how she really feels about me. It's hard to tell because she's so nice to everyone. I totally understand why Kyon becomes so jealous when anyone goes near her. And how does Kyon really feel about Miss. Suzumiya? Does he really like her at all? Does he stay around simply because he doesn't want the world to end? These are things we should consider before making a move. Sometimes I feel sorry for Miss. Asahina. She's only here because of her assignment. With that face and that body she could be an idol or a movie star or something, heh, heh. The thought of watching her on the screen sends chills through my spine. Of course, I'm not talking about that film we made. I'm talking about a full blown professional production. With a few acting lessons she could be a real star and I could tell people I knew her when. I can see myself sitting on a porch in a rocking chair with my friends one day reminiscing about Miss. Asahina. Yes, I knew her. We were in the same school, the same class, the same club; those were such good days. I really think…"

Haruhi Suzumiya slammed the door open and yelled, "Guys, we've got something to do, come on!"

Our conversation ended.

Day three

"We're going to make a movie!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, standing by the chair in front of the computer in the clubroom.

"Didn't we already do that?" grumbled Kyon.

"Shut up, Kyon! This time we're going to make a romantic movie starring Mikuru and Itsuki."

Kyon jumped up out of his seat, "What?! Are you crazy?!"

"Sit down and shut up, Kyon. It's going to be great. It'll be the best movie ever made."

"Miss. Asihina and Koizumi?!" Kyon pulled his hair with agony on his face.

"Of course." Haruhi Suzumiya crossed her arms and frowned. "You're not thinking you could be the leading man, are you? You don't have what it takes. Itsuki is definitely leading man material."

"I won't do it! I will not be a part of this!"

The skies outside darkened, lightning flashed and thunder rolled.

Kyon slumped into his chair, looked down, crossed his arms and mumbled, "Okay, do whatever you want."

"That's better." said Haruhi Suzumiya.

The skies cleared.

Mikuru Asahina hesitantly raised her hand and said, meekly, "D-d-d-d-don't I have any s-s-say in this?"

"No you don't." yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "I've already picked out so many cute outfits for you to wear. I'm going to make you a star!"

"But, but, but, but, but…"

Kyon glared at Itsuki Koizumi and growled, "Don't you have a problem with this?"

"Well," said Itsuki Koizumi, placing a hand behind his head and smiling his sheepish smile, "it certainly has taken me by surprise, heh, heh."

"You jerk!"

"Shut up, Kyon," yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, hitting him over the head with a wooden sword, "you're interrupting my train of thought. I know, let's make it a double romance. We'll find a couple of normal boring schleps and have them fall in love too. How about that friend of yours, what's his name, he'll do and I'm sure you could talk one of those stupid girls in class into doing the other part."

Kyon rubbed his head and complained, "What do you mean I can talk them into it?"

"Of course you, stupid, you don't expect me to do it, do you? I'm the ultimate director. I'm the one with the ideas. You're just a brigade member and you'll do as I say."

Kyon sighed, "Whatever."

"We need a part for Yuki too. I'm going for a walk. I need to think."

Haruhi Suzumiya marched out the door, slamming it behind her.

Kyon grabbed Itsuki Koizumi by the tie and yelled, "Wipe that grin off your face! You're enjoying this way too much."

"Settle down, Kyon," said Itsuki Koizumi, "you know what will happen if we upset Miss. Suzumiya."

Kyon let go of Itsuki Koizumi's tie, stalked over to the window, slapped his hands against the glass, narrowed his eyes and said, angrily, "Yes, I know. Don't remind me."

I was in my chair by the window quietly flipping through the pages of a book.

_Hee hee hee hee…_

Day four

"Nagato, here is your book.

I took the book out of Kyon's hand.

"Did you read it?" I said, looking up at his face.

"No."

"No?

"No."

"Why?"

He sat in the chair by the computer in the clubroom, crossed his arms, frowned and said, "Because, when I like a girl, I want her to like me because she likes me, I don't want to trick her into liking me."

"Trick?"

"Yeah, trick, fool, bamboozle, scam or any of those things."

I leaned over in my chair by the window, put the book in my bag and whispered, "I will process this information."

He bent over to look in my bag and our heads almost touched.

The door slammed open. "Kyon," yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "are you trying to seduce Yuki again?"

He jumped out of his seat and said, "No, of course not!"

"Ha ha ha… you can't fool me. I've seen how you look at her. You don't think I notice things but I do."

"Nothing's going on." He spun around and appealed to me, "Tell her, Nagato."

I sat back up straight in my seat, looked at his face and said, "Tell her what… darling?"

He frowned at me and muttered, "Is this another one of those inflame the fires of passion things?"

"Aha!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "I knew there was something going on between you two."

"You don't know anything."

"Aha!" Haruhi Suzumiya's eyes sparkled and she said, enthusiastically, "I have a great idea. I'll put the two of you in the movie." She moved her arms and hands as if writing out a billboard. "Quiet, shy, reserved, recluse finds love with a lonesome loser. It'll be awesome!"

Kyon mumbled, "Lonesome loser?"

"Come on you two. Get a move on. Let's start shooting."

Haruhi Suzumiya ran out the door.

"Nagato," said Kyon, narrowing his eyes at me, "what are you trying to pull?"

"Pull?"

"Oh, never mind."

_Hee hee hee hee…_

Day five

The door slammed open.

"What? Yuki? You're the only one here?"

I turned my head, stared at Haruhi Suzumiya and nodded.

The door slammed shut.

I looked back at the book in my lap and flipped through the pages.

_Maybe I should try Sudoku._

Day six

Everything in the clubroom was moved up to the school roof and set up in exactly the same way it was set up in the clubroom.

I was sitting in a chair by the table when the four other brigade members came up on the roof. They were looking around and scratching their heads.

_Hee hee hee hee…_

"What a great idea!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, running around the roof with her arms extended out like she was flying, "It's such a beautiful day!"

Itsuki Koizumi smiled sheepishly, played with his hair and said, "It seems Miss. Suzumiya would like to enjoy the nice weather, heh, heh."

Kyon sat next to me and Itsuki Koizumi and Mikuru Asahina sat on the other side of the table.

Kyon frowned and said, "This isn't one of those closed space thingies is it?"

"I don't believe it is." said Itsuki Koizumi, "It has a completely different feel and smell to it."

"It is not." I said, quietly, without looking up from my book.

Kyon mumbled, "I just hope we don't have any giant bugs show up while we're out here."

Mikuru Asahina whimpered, "Gi, gi, gi, gi, giant bugs?"

Itsuki Koizumi patted her on the arm, "Don't worry your pretty head, Miss. Asahina, I won't let anything happen to you."

Kyon jumped out of his seat and yelled, "Get your hands off of her you letch! If anyone is going to protect her it's me!"

Itsuki Koisumi stood up and faced Kyon with his hands on the table, "And just how are you going to do that? Let's say a giant bug does show up. What are you going to do? How will you protect Miss. Asahina?"

"I'll protect her. I'll find a way."

A book flew through the air and hit Kyon squarely on the back of the head.

"Kyon you idiot!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "Stop causing trouble and get over here. We have a movie to plan."

Kyon faced Haruhi Suzumiya with gritted teeth and clenched fists, "Plan?! You didn't plan the last one!"

Haruhi Suzumiya crossed her arms and frowned, "Yes, well, I thought we should plan this one. It's going to be more complicated with three romances running simultaneously."

"Am I going to help you plan or am I just your secretary?"

"I'll take your lame-brain ideas into consideration."

"How nice of you."

Day seven

Everything from the clubroom was moved to the median of a busy avenue near the school.

I was sitting at the table when Kyon sat next to me.

"Um, Nagato," he said, looking around at all the people and traffic moving quickly by, "do Koizumi and Miss. Asahina know about the Auditors?"

I turned the page in the book on my lap and said, quietly, without looking up, "Yes."

A large truck went by, blowing leaves and trash all over us and our table. Kyon reached over and picked some stuff out of my hair.

"Aha!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "I see you two love-birds are at it again!"

Kyon jumped up out of his seat, saying, "We, we were just talking about the movie, right Nagato?"

I glanced up at him and said, "That is correct… darling."

His face turned red.

Haruhi Suzumiya burst out laughing.

"No, no, no, no," yelled Kyon, "Nagato is just playing a joke."

Haruhi Suzumiya shook her head. "Yeah, right," she said, "Yuki is playing a joke. Pull the other one why don't you."

"I swear it!"

"Okay, okay, you've had your fun. Where are the other two?"

"Right here." said Itsuki Koizumi, walking across the street with Mikuru Asahina.

Kyon screamed, "Why are you holding her hand?!"

Itsuki Koizumi put his free hand on the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. "Heh, heh," he said, "we were just rehearsing."

"Rehearsing my ass!"

"Cut it out!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "We've got a movie to make! I finished the script last night. I've lined up all the sponsors. It's time for all of you to earn your pay."

"We're getting paid?"

"Just a figure of speech; don't get all excited."

Itsuki Koizumi and Mikuru Asahina sat together on the opposite side of the table. I noticed they were still holding hands.

"Heh, heh," said Itsuki Koizumi, looking around at all the people and traffic, "this is an interesting place to hold a meeting."

"W-w-what's going on?" whimpered Mikuru Asahina.

"I have good news." yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, trying to be heard above the outside noise.

"Oh great," muttered Kyon, "what is it this time?"

"One of our sponsors is a clothing store and they're going to provide all of our costumes. We just have to give them a big showcase in the middle of the movie."

"Knowing you, it's probably a lingerie store."

"Ha, ha, ha, Mr. Smarty-pants, it's nothing of the sort; although, they do have some really skimpy things for Mikuru to wear."

Mikuru Asahina cried, "W-w-w-w-what?"

"Here are your scripts." yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, handing out some papers, "Have your lines memorized by tomorrow."

A truck went by, blowing the scripts off of the table and into the street.

"Kyon!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "Hurry, gather up those scripts!"

I turned another page in my book.

_Hee hee hee hee…_

Day eight.

Everything from the clubroom was moved onto a barge floating in a nearby river.

"This is awesome!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "We can film all of our shipboard love scenes here."

Kyon groaned, "You do know this is a barge and not a cruise ship, don't you?"

"Whatever! We're on a boat and we're on the water; we'll make it work."

Haruhi Suzumiya ran around the barge setting up the camera and other things while the barge crew looked on, amused.

"Heh, heh," said Itsuki Koizumi, with a hand behind his head and a sheepish smile, "she doesn't seem to wonder how we got here."

"Hey!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "What are you standing around for? Put on your costumes!"

"Costumes?" all of us said together.

She waggled her finger at a bag on the deck near the table, "In that bag."

"W-w-w-where are we going to change?" whimpered Mikuru Asahina.

"Ask one of those guys. I'm sure there must be a bathroom on this thing. Do I have to do everything?"

After a small amount of confusion, we donned some costumes, meant, presumably, for a romantic cruise.

"Okay!" yelled Haruhi Suzumiya, "Kyon, Yuki, over here by the railing."

Kyon and I walked over and stood together by the railing. We repeated something Haruhi Suzumiya called romantic dialog and gazed lovingly into each other's eyes.

Haruhi Suzumiya barked out more orders, "Now kiss her passionately, unbutton her blouse and caress her boobs."

"What?!" Kyon screamed, "This is a high school movie, not a porn film!"

"Of course it's a high school movie, idiot. Nobody's going to see her boobs. It's not like she has any boobs anyway. It'll be like touching one of your guy friends on the chest."

_Ouch!_

Kyon looked desperately toward the other two brigade members.

Itsuki Koizumi shrugged and said, "I think we should do whatever she wants to do."

"Of course you're going to say that!" yelled Kyon, "You get a love scene with Miss. Asahina!"

_Double ouch!_

Kyon looked down at me, embarrassed. "Nagato," he said, with concern in his voice, "are you really okay with this?"

"Yes."

He moved his face towards mine and our lips met. He reached up and undid the top button of my blouse with his fingers then… the second button… then… the third button… then… an inexplicably strong gust of wind came out of nowhere and blew us off of the barge and into the water, but only the two of us.

I looked up to see Haruhi Suzumiya standing by the railing, filming us in the water. I let Kyon rescue me. One of the barge crew let down a ladder and we climbed back on board.

"I don't know what that was but it'll look great in the movie." yelled Haruhi Suzumiya.

Itsuki Koizumi grabbed his jacket off of a chair and put it around my shoulders.

We filmed for the rest of the afternoon without further incident and no one took off their clothes. The barge crew let us off on a dock somewhere down the river. We took a taxi back to the school. Everything was back in the clubroom when we returned.

Day nine

I was alone in the clubroom when Kyon came in and sat next to me. I glanced up from my book when he touched my hand.

"Nagato," he said, "I know you've been playing a joke on me."

I stared at him and said, with my usual blank face, "Joke?"

He smiled, "Don't worry, you don't have to admit it. I just wanted to tell you something my dad said to me once. Let's see, how did he put it? Oh yeah, a laugh is only good when it's shared, yeah, that's what he said." He patted my hand, "See you tomorrow." He got up and walked out the door, closing the door behind him.

I stared at the door for a long time.

Day ten

It was midnight. Koizumi, Miss. Asahina and I were sitting in a place we had met a few times before. Kyon ran up to us out of breath.

"What is it?" he said, "Is it the time-loop thing again?"

"No." said Koizumi, "I don't believe it is, though it is similar."

"Similar?"

"Yes, Miss. Asahina can no longer travel in time and I have lost my esper powers."

"If it's not the time-loop, what is it?"

"Why don't we ask the person who knows?"

The three of them turned and looked at me.

I stared at them and said, calmly, "Everything that has happened has been an illusion."

Koizumi extended his hand, "Go on."

"I have been playing a joke on you. I'm sorry."

Kyon sat down next to me, "Everything has been an illusion?"

"Yes."

Koizumi crossed his arms, "My esper powers and closed spaces?"

"Yes."

Miss. Asahini put her hands on the side of her face, "My time-travel too?"

"Yes."

Kyon furrowed his brow, "That whole thing about Haruhi's god-like powers?"

"Yes."

"Everything that happened?!" they said together.

"Yes."

"You did that?!"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I thought it was funny." I looked down at my hands, "I understand if you're angry."

"Nagato," said Kyon, "did we really live through the same two week period over and over again for 600 years?"

"No, I made that up. We only lived through those two weeks once."

"And you thought that was funny?"

"Yes."

He glanced over at the other two people and they shrugged at each other.

"Nagato," said Kyon, "tell me, are you really an alien data interface?"

"No."

"What are you?"

"I'm… an Auditor."

"An Auditor?" Kyon raised his eyebrows at me, "You mean you're one of the bad guys?"

"We're not bad, we're… neutral. We keep the books, we crunch the numbers, we count the beans, we're… in a word… boring."

"Boring?"

"Yes, I didn't know what boring was until I was put into this human body. It was a revelation to me. I just wanted to have some fun, at your expense, I'm afraid, I'm sorry, I know you must hate me."

"Nagato, I don't hate you." He turned and spoke to the other two people, "You don't hate her, do you?"

They shook their heads and said, "No."

Kyon grabbed my hands. "Nagato," he said, earnestly, "listen to me. I've been having a blast, I mean, except for the time I thought I was going to die, but, other than that it's been fun and I don't want it to end. What I'm trying to say is: Keep doing what you were doing, only this time, include us, okay?" He turned toward Koizumi and Miss. Asahina and said, "Am I right? Hasn't it been fun? Don't you want to keep doing it?"

They both nodded their heads, enthusiastically, and said, "Yes."

I'm sure I would have expressed surprise if I knew how to show emotion on my face.

"What do you say, Nagato?" said Kyon, "Shall we all have fun together?"

I looked into his smiling eyes and said, softly, "Yes, let's have fun."

"Great!"

He took a deep breath and glanced around at the scenery for around a minute (one minute, twenty three seconds, to be precise).

I kept my eyes focused on his face.

"Now there's just one more thing." he said, turning back to me, gazing into my eyes and grinning, "I think I'm due for some payback."

_Payback?_

He took my face in his hands, kissed me… then stuck his tongue in my mouth.

_This is payback? _ I closed my eyes, _I think I like payback._

Epilogue

From then on, the four of us had a lot of fun together.

Haruhi Suzumiya didn't know what hit her.

_Hee hee hee hee…_

The End

Acknowledgements:

Thank you to Terry Pratchett for the idea about the auditors that I, ahem, appropriated, and for the many hours of fun I've had reading his fine books.

Thank you to the producers of the Haruhi series for creating such an awesome show.

Thank you to whoever came up with the idea to move furniture around to different places for a practical joke.

Thank you to you for reading this story.


End file.
